A Little Jaded
by Fiyero3305
Summary: After Jo leaves for New Zealand, Kendall has some soul-baring to take care of with Logan.


Title: A Little Jaded

Fandom: Big Time Rush

Author: Fiyero3305

Pairing: Kendall/Logan more or less, past/complicated Kendall/Jo

Summary: After Jo leaves for New Zealand, Kendall has some soul-baring to take care of with Logan

Author's Note: It's been forever and a day since I've posted. I've been working on a few chapter fics which are giving me trouble and a handful of oneshots such as this which have just been rather ignored as I've been pre-occupied with the longer stories. Hope you enjoy, and please read and review!

"Logan?"

Kendall's voice sounded so unsteady coming through the darkness from the bed next to Logan's.

"What's wrong?"

"Could I- um… could I sleep with you tonight? I mean just, like, in your bed."

"Kendall…" Logan was hesitant; he wasn't sure what Kendall was thinking.

"I just don't want to be alone tonight. Please?" The near whimper in Kendall's voice broke down Logan's resistance, and so he agreed.

"Sure buddy, come on over" Logan said as he moved himself over to make room for Kendall beside him. A matter of mere hours had passed since Kendall put Jo on the plane to her future but in that short time he had become all but mute in his wallowing so Logan was willing to help him however he could. When Kendall made his way under Logan's covers he curled up against Logan's side and rested his head on the other's chest, sighing slightly in comfort as Logan felt his bedmate's tension lessen slightly.

A rush of conflicting emotions swirled through Logan's heart as he wrapped an arm around Kendall, but what he thought of most as he ran his hand through the soft blonde hair was the last night they shared in the same bed.

Logan lay face to face with Kendall, wrapped in the other boy's sheets and arms. Their relationship wasn't exactly public but it was hardly a secret from anyone who really paid attention. Still, they had agreed that no one need know, and those who figured it out on their own didn't need to know they were right. As such Logan wasn't caught off-guard when Kendall began pursuing Jo. After all, they had all tried to win her and it was more of a game than anything else. Logan wasn't surprised that Kendall won either, because honestly, when didn't he win? When he continued to pursue Jo after the contest was finished, however, Logan began to feel the stirrings of jealousy. He managed to keep that jealousy at bay though because Jo was really just a side-interest for Kendall, who still spent most of his days and all of his nights by Logan's side.

Until that one night as they lay in Kendall's bed, when Kendall nervously said he had something to ask of Logan, and Logan, fearful yet already sure of what that something would be, asked Kendall to speak his mind.

"Logan, I love you. You know I do, but I feel… _something_ for Jo. It's more than I thought it was."

When Logan responded only by breaking eye contact, Kendall continued.

"I don't know if I love her, but I think I could. What I'm trying to say is, I want to give it a fair shot and I can't do that if I'm with you every night."

Logan nodded, still unable to speak or even meet Kendall's eyes.

"Please don't think that I don't care about you Logan, because I do. I care about you more than any other friend I've ever had and what we have right now is real, and it's amazing, but I just want to give my all to Jo because she deserves it. Even if what I feel for her isn't love, it's not right for me to lie to her like this."

Logan wanted to ask why Kendall felt he only needed to give Jo a fair shot, why his relationship with Logan wasn't just as worthy of being a priority, but he held his tongue, knowing too well how Kendall thought. He was sure Kendall felt that because what he did with Jo was public and involved no deceit that it caused no one pain, while on the other hand, his secret romance with Logan was surreptitious, carried out only in the privacy of the night, making it less honorable. It wasn't fair, and it hurt Logan like hell, but that stubborn, not always logical sense of right and wrong was one of the things Logan loved so much about Kendall.

And so he agreed to let him go.

He began to pull himself from Kendall's embrace, but those long arms only wrapped tighter around him.

"Please stay?" Kendall pleaded with Logan. Even in the darkness Logan could see the sincerity of the plea in Kendall's eyes. "Just one more night with you?"

And so he stayed.

"Promise me one thing Logan? If I ever start ditching you guys for her, you'll snap me back? You're my best friends, and you come first. Always."

Logan smiled and nodded and for a while Kendall did keep Logan and the guys a priority. As his relationship with Jo progressed, however, they saw less and less of him until finally the only significant time they spent with him was during band rehearsal. Logan remembered his promise to Kendall but decided not to keep it. Kendall was happy with Jo and the less Logan had to see of him the easier it was to distract himself with James, Carlos, or whatever else he could do to keep from brooding over Kendall.

The time without Kendall was still exceedingly difficult for Logan though. He tried his best to force others into the Kendall-shaped hole in his heart, James seemingly the most viable option, but unsurprisingly they were all horribly inept at the job. The harder Logan tried to make a substitute for Kendall the worse he felt. With no one else being able to match the connection the two shared his miserable state was only exacerbated, on top of which he realized that he was being selfish and manipulative in his attempts to cobble his friends and acquaintances into who or what he needed.

But really, it was the fact that those needs went unmet that hurt the most.

"I'm sorry"

Kendall snapped Logan back to the present.

"For what?"

"For getting carried away with Jo. I didn't ever want to push you guys into the background but I was so caught up in being with her."

"It's fine." Logan lied.

"You don't have to say that." Kendall said, raising his head to look Logan in the eye. The remorse on his face made Logan's heart hurt for his friend but he was suddenly feeling a little too bitter to offer any comfort. "After all we've been through and how I always said you guys were my family and family came first I just let someone else take priority over you. All of you, my mom and Katie too."

Kendall looked down for a moment. Logan remained silent, not yet willing to let Kendall off the hook. He'd waited too long to hear this to let him off so easily.

"And I-" Kendall choked out, still not looking Logan in the face "I treated _you_ so horribly. Logan," Finally looking up and allowing Logan to see his tear-stained face "I treated your feelings like they were worthless. I knew I was being selfish when I asked you to let me be with Jo because I knew it would hurt you but I did it anyway. I can't even give any kind of excuse for that because I'm pretty sure it's the shittiest thing I've ever done to anyone and the fact that I did it to you is just-" He sighed and looked away again "I really have no idea what I was thinking. I don't know how I ever convinced myself that doing that to you was okay."

Kendall seemed to be waiting for Logan to respond, but he remained silent.

In that silence Logan did his best to make sense of his feelings. Kendall was sorry, truly and deeply, and he was in pain, but for the first time in his life Logan did not feel the need to comfort him and tell him that all was forgiven and everything was fine. Did he even still love Kendall? He was fairly certain that he did, so why was he willing to prolong Kendall's agony? Wasn't the point of love to forgive all? To not want to see your lover suffer? In his heart of hearts Logan did not want Kendall to hurt, but his more selfish side was unwilling to let go of the pain and anger of the preceding months, not without some kind of retribution at least. Still, he couldn't leave Kendall there agonizing, but he had no idea what to say.

"Let's talk more in the morning, okay?" It was a weak suggestion but Logan really couldn't offer Kendall anything better and hoped Kendall didn't interpret it as a dismissal of his feelings. He seemed to understand though and sadly nodded his head. Suddenly Logan couldn't help himself and pulled Kendall close to his chest, rubbing his back. "I promise we'll talk tons" Logan said into Kendall's hair. He could feel Kendall practically melt into the embrace and it actually gave him some comfort as well.

Maybe he wouldn't let Kendall right back into his heart, maybe he'd make him really work for it, but they seemed to be on their way back to where they both wanted to be and that was more than enough for tonight.


End file.
